Dealing With Anxiety
Sorry, couldn't resist a goofy picture of a cat…
This post has a more serious tone than most. Especially for me.
If you've ever met me, you know I can be an emotional roller coaster. That is likely an understatement.
I'm downright crazy sometimes.
I've been built with this “focus” on the inside that can be absolutely overbearing. It weighs heavy on my mind, which in turn, causes me to act out, turn inward or any combination thereof.
There's a lot to be said for those that live with anxiety. I think it can have both positive and negative effect on the person who lives with it.
Here's the short list of what I experience when dealing with anxiety:
- Irritability (Easy, co-workers)
- Poor eating habits
- Health issues (both mental and physical)
- Grey hair (or no hair)
- …any other bad habit you can think of.
Let me paint you a picture. It's 3:00am and my eyes crack open. The first thing I reach for is my iPhone/alarm clock to see what time it is. “What the hell!” I think to myself.
Then I notice I have email. Let me flip through those. Reading email starts me to think about the tasks I have to accomplish in relation to what I've read. Oh, and there's training updates so I better get those on the calendar unless I want to get into trouble for not getting stuff done. Then I spiral out of control for what seems like an hour. Then at 4:00am I am exhausted and head back to sleep.
Now, this sounds odd, but this anxiety, or stress, also makes me better. It makes me a performer.
- I'm a better manager (or so I'd like to think)
- I'm a good problem solver
- I have high ambitions and usually attain them
- I can handle high levels of stress (I'm well practiced)
- I try to be a better husband
So, putting myself under this pressure has its benefits and pitfalls.
Let me tell you where e pitfall is…
It's how you treat people that makes all the difference.
I've been a compete and total ass when I reach that level of stress.
Learning to control the pressure inside has been hell. But I've been working on it so hard.
I want respect. Not because of position in career, home or community.
I want respect because I deserve it.
My apologies to all those who've met the ugly side of me. There's more regret there than I care to share.
All I can beg is another chance.
As change continues, more heart and passion will surface in me.
Hopefully you'll see it in my actions…